It’s Not Just About Doing More of What Mattered Before Motherhood
One of the most common things I hear from mothers in my practice is:
“I just want to feel like myself again.”
And I get it. Because after becoming a mother, there’s a very real sense that your world shifts on its axis and with that shift, a part of you goes quiet, disappears, or gets buried beneath the noise of nappies, mental load, and unmet needs.
Sometimes we interpret that feeling as needing to go back, to reclaim the hobbies, routines, or freedoms that defined our pre-motherhood self. And while reconnecting with those parts can be incredibly meaningful, it’s important to name this:
It’s not just about doing more of what used to matter.
It’s about locating meaning in who you are now.
Matrescence and Identity Realignment
The transition into & through motherhood, known as matrescence, is not just about role change. It’s an identity transformation. One that reshapes how we see ourselves, what we value, and how we relate to the world around us. In case you don’t know - it is a developmental process.
This means that the goal isn’t always to bounce back or reinstate your pre-baby life. Often, it’s about integrating the old with the new.
You are not who you were.
You are not just who you are now.
You are both, and becoming.
Why "Just Add in Self-Care" Doesn’t Cut It
Occupational science teaches us that health and well-being are deeply linked to participation in meaningful activities and that our sense of self is shaped through what we do.
But here’s where it gets nuanced.
Simply telling mothers to “do more of what you love” can unintentionally reinforce the idea that the care work they’re doing every day doesn’t count. That it’s not valuable. That it’s not part of their real self.
But it is.
Care, connection, advocacy, presence, attunement, emotional labour - these are not just things we do.
They’re core expressions of identity in this season.
The problem is not that these roles aren’t meaningful. It’s that they’re culturally unrecognised, unpaid, unsupported, and often invisible.
So instead of adding more to your already full plate, we can ask:
What already matters to you now?
Where can you locate meaning within what you're already doing?
What do you want to reimagine, not just reclaim?
Rebuilding Identity Isn’t About Returning. It’s About Expanding.
Maybe you’re miss working. Or art. Or weekends away with your partner.
Maybe you crave deep conversation, or solo walks, or the feeling of being lit up by something that’s just yours.
All of that is valid. And often, part of the healing process is finding ways to gently reintegrate those parts of yourself.
But the work of matrescence is also this:
Learning to value the new self that’s emerging.
Not despite motherhood, but because of it.
And that new self might find meaning in things you never saw coming:
The ritual of bedtime songs
The calm you create in chaos
The power & healing of advocating for your child
The honesty you bring to relationships now
The way you mother yourself with more tenderness than before
You’re Not Lost. You’re Becoming.
If no one’s told you yet today:
You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are not failing because your identity feels messy.
You are in a state of growth, of integration, of reshaping. And that is deeply human.
Reflective Questions:
If you’d like to explore this further, here are some journaling prompts:
What parts of me feel unfamiliar right now? What parts feel more true than ever?
Which occupations or roles are currently meaningful to me—even if no one else sees them?
Where do I want to feel more like me? What might that actually look or feel like now?